Sunday, November 8, 2015

Who I Want to Be

A couple years ago I made a bulleted list of "Who I Want to Be". As I was organizing our office (FINALLY), I came across this document and am so glad I did. Because, I'm kind of failing at a lot of these things, haha! I need to have it up and read it every day so I can have a constant reminder of what I am striving for.

I'd like to share them with you all for a couple of reasons:

  1. So I can write them down again and hopefully remember each characteristic better. 
  2. Because I want to be held more accountable for things I set out to do. No idea who is reading this blog (if anyone) but at least I put it out to cyberspace and someone might read it at some point. 
  3. Maybe it will inspire you to do the same. It's been helpful for me, and I hope it will be for you too. 
Ahem... here is "Who I Want to Be":
  • Humble
    • I want this to be my natural reaction to everything
    • In every sense of the word. Thoughts, words, deeds, reactions, intents, motivations, etc. 
    • Desire to do the Lord's will, not my own
  • Complete confidence with who I am and with my Lord
    • Not afraid to speak/stand up for what I believe
    • No matter what negative blows this world throws at me, I don't want to stutter or question who I am, what I stand for, and who I represent
    • I will always respond with humble confidence
  • Absolute Obedience
    • Commandments and instruction from the brethren
    • The Spirit. Never hesitate or question the whisperings of the Spirit
  • Unconditionally Loving
    • I want others to feel God's love when they are around me (This doesn't always mean super nice)
  • Honest
    • Every and any situation I am presented with I will respond with complete honesty
    • I will not beat around the bush. I will be swift and straight in my responses, no matter the consequences
  • Optimistic and Strong
    • Especially when there are others being affected by what's happening
    • I won't let emotions take over
  • Never stop progressing
    • There is always something that can be learned, somthing that I can work on
    • Always making and achieving goals
    • Mentally, emotionally physically and spiritually
  • Consistent Temple Attendance
    • I will go to the temple every week as long as I live (within reason)
  • Compassionate, supportive and awesome wife
    • When the time comes, I want to be there for my husband in every way possible. Serve him like crazy and NEVER stop
  • Loving and Nurturing ... but firm mother
    • Never lose my patience, and consistent in discipline and nurture
    • Correct principles taught from a young age
  • Beautiful. Inside and out
    • Focus inward but be aware of the outside
  • Meek
    • Not get offended easily
    • Never let myself get angry. No guile in my life
  • Passionate
    • With EVERYTHING that I do, or else don't do it
  • A Covenant Keeper
    • Always remember what they are and study their meaning
  • A Doer
    • "No time like the present"
    • Always do things, don't spend too much time thinking or talking about it

Obviously this was written a couple years ago. I'd like to revisit this to update and add to it. These are tough.. still working on a lot of these and will be for the rest of my life. 

I'm grateful for the Savior and that He atoned for my sins, and everyone else's, so that I can fail at things on this list... and then try again. It's hard for me with my personality the way that it is to remember that I can fail. 

Ever since I was little, I have had this unhealthy obsession with being perfect. Because of that, I sometimes justify my actions, thoughts, etc. and fool myself into thinking that I'm not failing. I let things that aren't right, be OK in my mind. That's not who I want to be. I don't want to give excuses, make justifications, and fool myself and others. I just want to BE these things that I wrote above and that means acknowledging my mistakes, really feeling the pain and guilt, sincerely repenting, and trying again and again and again and again... until these things are a part of me. That's a daunting and long process, but there will be small successes along the way and I need to hold on to those. 

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